Position in the family is a really interesting concept.
There's a theory of family dynamics that makes a lot of sense to me. It's
usually presented in the context of families where one parent is an addict,
however I would argue that almost any family has this cast of characters:
1.
The Hero. This person adopts the values
and dreams of others in an attempt to show the outside world that the family is
actually okay. Heroes are usually overachievers with poor self-esteem who
intellectualize problems and disregard their own feelings. Although they
are forced to interact with others, they don’t allow others to get close enough
to see their true emotional brokenness. They view appropriate
vulnerability as dangerous and work hard to put up a good front. The
oldest children in the family are usually the heroes.
2.
The Scapegoat. The scapegoat is the
opposite of the hero. Rather than playing the game and pretending that
things are okay, he tends to rebel against the dysfunctional system and begins
acting out unspoken family conflict. The scapegoat is the problem child
who takes the focus off of the real problem and makes everyone else look
good. Scapegoats are often the second born.
3.
The Lost Child/Loner. The lost
child is usually a loner who becomes a chameleon to disappear into the background
and not cause problems. He brings relief because he has learned not to
rock the boat and others don’t have to worry about him. He has no
opinions of his own and no expression of emotional needs. This complies
well with some of the unspoken rules of the broken family system including
“don’t talk”, “don’t feel”, and “don’t have needs”. He may also leave the
family system as soon as he is able and maintain only minimal contact with
them. Middle children are often the ones in the role of the lost child.
4.
The Mascot/Class Clown. Mascots
seek to be the comic relief of the dysfunctional family system and try to
diffuse emotional pain through humor. They can develop friendships easily
and usually spend little time at home. Mascots have a short attention
span and are very poor with responsibility. This serves to help them
avoid the family dysfunction and puts their mind on fun things to fuel their
escapism. Mascots are usually one of the younger children in the family.
According to this theory, I play the role of the Hero. An
outsider looking in might think of the hero as a “strong woman” and that’s what
we want them to think. However, constantly driving for perfection and
achievement is actually painful and impossible. I believe that the stress
associated with this role is a factor in my addiction. And the stupidest
part is that nobody said “OK: we need you to be an ACHIEVER. You need to
show the world that you are talented and motivated and a winner!” On the
contrary, I held myself to this ridiculous standard. One of my goals in
therapy is to learn to “be kind to myself” and “give myself a break”.
Easier said than done.
