Family Roles

Position in the family is a really interesting concept.  There's a theory of family dynamics that makes a lot of sense to me. It's usually presented in the context of families where one parent is an addict, however I would argue that almost any family has this cast of characters:

1.       The Hero. This person adopts the values and dreams of others in an attempt to show the outside world that the family is actually okay.  Heroes are usually overachievers with poor self-esteem who intellectualize problems and disregard their own feelings.  Although they are forced to interact with others, they don’t allow others to get close enough to see their true emotional brokenness.  They view appropriate vulnerability as dangerous and work hard to put up a good front.  The oldest children in the family are usually the heroes.

2.       The Scapegoat.  The scapegoat is the opposite of the hero.  Rather than playing the game and pretending that things are okay, he tends to rebel against the dysfunctional system and begins acting out unspoken family conflict.  The scapegoat is the problem child who takes the focus off of the real problem and makes everyone else look good.  Scapegoats are often the second born.

3.       The Lost Child/Loner.  The lost child is usually a loner who becomes a chameleon to disappear into the background and not cause problems.  He brings relief because he has learned not to rock the boat and others don’t have to worry about him.  He has no opinions of his own and no expression of emotional needs.  This complies well with some of the unspoken rules of the broken family system including “don’t talk”, “don’t feel”, and “don’t have needs”.  He may also leave the family system as soon as he is able and maintain only minimal contact with them.  Middle children are often the ones in the role of the lost child.

4.       The Mascot/Class Clown.  Mascots seek to be the comic relief of the dysfunctional family system and try to diffuse emotional pain through humor.  They can develop friendships easily and usually spend little time at home.  Mascots have a short attention span and are very poor with responsibility.  This serves to help them avoid the family dysfunction and puts their mind on fun things to fuel their escapism.  Mascots are usually one of the younger children in the family.

According to this theory, I play the role of the Hero. An outsider looking in might think of the hero as a “strong woman” and that’s what we want them to think.  However, constantly driving for perfection and achievement is actually painful and impossible.  I believe that the stress associated with this role is a factor in my addiction.  And the stupidest part is that nobody said “OK: we need you to be an ACHIEVER.  You need to show the world that you are talented and motivated and a winner!”  On the contrary, I held myself to this ridiculous standard.  One of my goals in therapy is to learn to “be kind to myself” and “give myself a break”.  Easier said than done.