I'm an Alcoholic

Few words in the English language can elicit as strong an emotional response from me as “alcoholic”. The word still gives me a little bit of a sick feeling inside. “Alcoholic” triggers images of homeless, dirty panhandlers; of drunk people passed out in filth; of hopelessness. After these automatic thoughts, I remind myself of all the alcoholics I know – medical professionals, musicians, students, business people, mothers, fathers. The vast majority of these people aren’t homeless, filthy or living in despair.

Labeling myself as an alcoholic has been one of my greatest fears. When I was drinking I knew it was out of control and that I couldn’t stop on my own. I also knew that if I EVER admitted I was an alcoholic my life would change forever. People would project their own stereotypes of alcoholics onto me. They would judge my morals and ethics. They would assume I was a bad and disgusting person. My family would be ashamed of me. I’d be a failure. If I admitted to being an alcoholic I would never be able to drink again – people would hold me accountable. People would be uncomfortable in my presence. My friends would feel guilty about going to happy hour (“should we invite her or not?”) or about ordering a glass of wine with their dinner if we were dining together. My alcoholism would constantly be the elephant in the room. I hated that elephant and wanted nothing to do with it.

My fears about admitting my alcoholism were so strong that I NEVER uttered the words “I am an alcoholic” until after I had checked into the hospital. I didn’t even try out the phrase in my head. It was so taboo I couldn’t even touch it. I would rather die. As a matter of fact, there were several times I thought it might just be better to end it all than to admit my alcoholism.

You can probably imagine that things got pretty bad in order for me to even consider identifying myself as an alcoholic. I really backed myself into a corner – the only way out was to push aside all my paralyzing fears and admit it: “I’m an alcoholic”.

Now I have lots of experience admitting my alcoholism. I had to tell my family and my friends. It comes up in conversation. I introduce myself in AA meetings as an alcoholic. It may sound like a simple thing to say, but each time I think about all the implications that come with the label. Sometimes it’s really hard to say, but most of the time it’s empowering – and I am relieved that I’ll NEVER have to admit it for the first time again.