The first times I read the steps
I said to myself “yeah, yeah, blah blah” but when you actually read and
consider each one, it’s a pretty powerful list.
- We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
- Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
- Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
- Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
- Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
- Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
- Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
- Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
- Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
- Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
- Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
- Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
I feel like people who aren’t
involved with AA are typically familiar with steps 1 and 9: admitting
powerlessness and making amends. That makes sense because those are the
parts of the process that non-alcoholics see and are directly impacted
by. Before we get to step 9, though, we have to really discover who we
are (the good, bad and ugly) and ask God to help us fix our defects of
character. This is where steps 4 and 5, which I’ve been working, come
in. For me, the most powerful part of these steps is making a list of
people, institutions and groups we resent. What I like about it is that
it’s not just about saying “I’m so made because Jane ruined my life, poor
me”. Instead we look at:
- specifically what Jane Doe did (not just broad, sweeping statements but specific details)
- what part of me was hurt or threatened by what Jane did (my self-esteem, pride, emotional security, pocketbook, ambitions, personal relations, etc.)
- where I was to blame in the scenario (was I dishonest, selfish, self-seeking, frightened, inconsiderate?)
- the exact nature of our wrong (I wasn’t open and honest in my communication with Jane, I didn’t support her when she needed a friend, etc.)
Rather than being a laundry list
of anger and self-pity it shows us where we have ownership in relationships
that have gone wrong so we can learn from them and change our behavior and our
understanding. I can see why so many people get hung up and “quit” when
they’re working on these steps. It’s much easier to blame all the things
other people have done for making our lives terrible and just feel sorry for
ourselves. The hard thing to do is to accept personal responsibility and
move forward and grow. We do the same thing with a list of our fears and
a list of people we’ve hurt in our intimate relationships. But the Big
Book says “Resentment is the number one offender. It destroys more
alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease,
for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually
sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome we straighten out mentally
and physically”.
My grandmother said to me “I
have concerns about you going though these emotional Steps alone, which I
realize your mom did.” That’s a really valid concern. The thing is,
the steps are not meant to be worked alone. They’re to be worked with
your sponsor and with the support of your sober support network. These
are the people who share their experience, strength and hope as you go through
the process. I, too, feel that Mom tried to “go it alone”. Maybe
that’s part of the reason she struggled. For me, there was a lot of
conversation over MANY cups of coffee with my sponsor, as I put together my
inventory and when I shared the final product with her we were nice and
comfortable in her home with her dog, and she gave me her input (experience,
strength and hope) as I read each item on my inventory. It was actually
the furthest thing from a lonely experience – through it I became closer with
myself, closer with my sponsor, and closer with God. I don’t want my
grandma to worry – I’m not alone. I actually have more emotional support
now than I ever have.
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